Do you remember waking up an hour before school just so you can look semi presentable? Well in high school, I was that girl. The insecurities stemmed far back into my younger years and affected every area of my life.
Each day I went to school to get an education, but my main concern was “what are people going to think of me?”
The stress and anxiety from my insecurities consumed my thoughts. I would refuse to go out in public. Contributing to this solitary behavior was the fact that I had been bullied since middle school. I had been told that I was ugly, stupid, worthless. Some might say sticks and stones, but having these negative words repeatedly told to a young and naive girl can be detrimental. Up until recently, I believed every word.
Why would anyone ever love some that was so flawed? Why would anyone want to be friends with such a weirdo? Why was I born this way? Why can’t I just fit in? I tried and tried to reinvent myself every semester hoping that I would finally be accepted by my peers, maybe I would finally accept myself.
Those years were some of the most difficult years in my life and I can stand here today and testify to every young girl out there who feels this way and say, it gets better! As cliche as it may sound, bad periods of life only last for a season.
There was this quote from the movie Gods not Dead and it goes as so: “To the wrong person, you’ll never have any worth. To the right person you will mean everything”. This really struck a cord with me because in my adolescence, I surrounded myself with people who saw me as a burden, the last option. Luckily, I had the courage to break free from the negative people and prayed for good friends and confidence in myself.
The parts in between are a blog post for another day, but the main thing is, I found happiness. I don’t hate myself anymore; I’m not fixated and consumed with self-hate. Each day I am leaning to love myself and each day, I step closer to finding who I truly am. I’m so thankful for the prayer and support from my family through those dark years and I am so fortunate for the incredible friends I have now. I’m not who I once was and I’m on the path to becoming who I’m meant to be. I’m so fortunate to have this forum to express my thoughts and also a place to paint my emotions with.
Thank you for listening